'You can't keep drinking like this. It will kill you eventually,' a little voice of reason whispered as I glugged down red wine alone. It was a midweek evening in 2011, not long after Amy Winehouse had died from alcohol poisoning. Her death shook me as much as her music had resonated. We weren't just namesakes and of a similar age. I felt an affinity with her candour, unabashed don't-give-a shit attitude, acerbic wit and draw to a dark romanticism.
I paused for thought and sat with this for a couple of days, probably until the weekend, until I hit the fuck it button. Let's self-sabotage. I wasn't in the greatest place. I needed to find somewhere to live following a break-up, was badly overdrawn and about to embark on taking hedonism to new extremes.
"You can't keep drinking like this. It will kill you eventually." Fast forward eleven years and my husband is saying the exact same thing after I've spent all night drinking. There was no particular reason why I had done this. I'd long pulled myself out of the nadir from a decade before. I was happily married, financially secure and had a beautiful home. Why was I hitting the fuck it button still?
Understandably, my husband was getting concerned. I thought alcohol helped me to reflect and was the key to unlock myself. I bought into the myth that alcohol sparked imagination. Looking at my playlist from the night before, I had listened to the same songs stuck on repeat. I was also a broken record. Alcohol had been a go-to when life wasn't so rosy but it was now getting the best of me. I always kept a bottle near - until there weren't any left.
Addiction is the opposite of connection, so the reverse is true. Recovery is giving up one thing to gain everything. I am very blessed to have supportive friends and family. I feel closer to my loved ones. The bonds you have with people are authentic, no longer tainted or dulled. I am a better wife, friend, sister and daughter. Even the cat likes me more now I'm sober. The buried idea of quitting took a long time to germinate but I'm grateful that it has taken root. I feel like myself again and I am genuinely content. It feels great to achieve what you never thought was possible.